please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
