Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
