so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
