while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
