sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
