I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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