My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I need a beard to bite.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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