Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
