we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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