textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize