I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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