i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
