YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I could make wine with my vomit
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize