Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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