so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
