You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize
