I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
