forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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