Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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