I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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