the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
