Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
