my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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