so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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