Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Never joke about your clitoris.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
