we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
