Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
