I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
