This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
