I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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