there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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