My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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