I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
