my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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