addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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