so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
