operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
