he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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