apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
