sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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