could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
