The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
