brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
