I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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