I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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