You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize