My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
