R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
