Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
