I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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