Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
