so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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