just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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