ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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