The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
