so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize