Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
